The Land of Peculiar Internet Searches

Ladies and Gentlemen, People in Cubicles, Cubicle Rebel blog subscribers, here we go again.

The most peculiar, hilarious, disturbing searches that have landed people at this blog since the last posting on this topic…My thoughts appear in BOLD.

1.  man stuck in digestive system

(Whaaaaaaat? Could there have been a cannibal out there? Should I alert the authorities?!)

2.  kfc dude eating from mcdonalds

(Um, how would you know that this “dude” was a “kfc dude”? Scratching head on this one.)

3.  annoying wrappers in the office

4.  office person sighs annoying -sign -signs

5.  cubicle noise hood

(They make hoods for cubicles now? Pray tell.)

6.  starbucks is a cult

(I actually wrote about this before.) 

7.  obnoxious girl popping bubble gum

(Yep, people who pop gum, particularly in office environments, are totally obnoxious.) 

8.  starbucks interview attire

(I’m thinking black pants and a white shirt will do.) 

9.  tongue cleaner boots

(I’m afraid of this internet searcher.)

10.  hey did you know

(Seriously? Who Googles this?)

11.  coworkers who hint for you to get them lunch

12. erratic person

(Cough. Why would this land them HERE? Does the internet think I’m “erratic”?)

13.  waitress must need items

(What the…?)

14.  germs under fingernails

(Someone thinks that germs are visible.)

15. i have itching on my toes around cubicle area

(Cuticle area?)

16.  coworker won’t stop clicking pen

17.  roofing paychecks

18.   success looking at the light of the future

19.  ear plugs for cubicles

(Ooooh. As a noise intolerant, I can totally relate.)

20.  mc donalds cow

(Some people should just stay away from fast food altogether.) 

21.  lol cubicle noise etiquette

22.  annoying colleague chart

23.  germs free workplace

(In your dreams, buddy. Mine, too!)

24.  large shoe cubicle

25.  administrative assistant hell

(LOL!)

26.  white women hr cubicles

(Hmm, didn’t know there were cubicles specifically for “hr”; assuming they mean human resources.)

27.  be nice to the lunch lady

(You got that right! Or she’ll put her musky finger in your mashed potatoes.) 

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! 

Actually there are so very many more I could add but I’ll save the super howlers for next time.

Oh, that was goooood. 

Truly, the People of the Internet do make me laugh. And Lord knows I need to laugh these days. As an unemployed blogger who eats cheese sandwiches on a daily basis.

‘Til next time.

Dear Clueless Gum Popper @ the Office…

Dear Clueless Gum Popper @the Office:

Must you torture our ears with the pop, pop, popping sound of chewing gum bumping against your teeth as you twist and turn the glob in such a fashion that it makes noises outside of your own personal space?

You’re killing us, your coworkers.

The very sound of that snap, crackle, popping noise nearly eight hours a day has made some of us imagine purely evil thoughts against you.  We almost can’t help ourselves.  We’ve been through this before.

Why, Bill, he even tried to remove the gum from your desk when we sent you on that wild goose chase for the McCafferty files on the 2nd floor. Remember? When you came back to the department six times and Laura sent you back again and again? 

Ahem.  There are no McCafferty files.

As long as you keep abusing us with noise pollution we will continue plotting against you and your gum stash.

There you sit day in and day out popping gum resembling a firecracker that can be heard all the way down the  hallway. I once was in the stairwell and heard it as I opened the door. Do you know how far the stairwell is from your desk?

I’ve fantasized about you having extensive dental work so that you could not chew anything, especially gum. Only quiet things would enter your mouth. Like yogurt.

Once, when you were off from work for two days straight, on sick leave, our entire department breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was two days of no-gum-popping bliss.

No one missed you.

Not even a little bit.

You are clueless in a way that befuddles us all. Do you ever imagine what it’s like to hear the grating noise of a popping sound for hours each day?And even with the repeated hints we’ve given you, you still stuff that gum into your pie hole and go to town gnawing on it as if it’s your very first piece of gum ever, as if the sugar in the gum is magic elixir that you must extract every single bit of.

Please, for the love of sanity, switch to hard candy.

We can’t take it anymore.

Aching in CubicleVille,

Your Co-workers

Workplace Etiquette

This excerpt is from Yahoo!Finance/Click link to read full article, Why Your Co-Workers Don’t Like You.

WASHINGTON (MarketWatch) — Your co-workers are judging you. Beneath a veneer of professional collegiality, they’re taking note of the mess on your desk, how loudly you chew, even your word choices.

Obviously, serious misconduct such as discrimination and harassment can lead to a job loss. But small irritants can hurt productivity and build walls between co-workers.

“Those little annoyances, like having a really sloppy work area or being a disgusting desk eater, can loom large,” said Charles Purdy, senior editor at jobs site Monster.com.

To avoid negative judgments from your co-workers, experts advise avoiding the following behaviors.

Sucking up to the boss

Negativity

Messiness (at your desk, in the shared company refrigerator slash kitchen, bathroom, etc.)

Hmm. Based on the searches that lead people to this blog, there are  A LOT of annoying coworkers out there who probably don’t even realize they’re annoying. Think about it. You spend approximately 8 hours a day around your coworkers. In close proximity.

You’re chewing and popping gum.

You’re chewing ice.

Your radio is probably too loud.

Your phone conversations are probably too loud. Heck, your office conversations are probably too loud.

The fish ensemble you heated in the microwave singes the nose hairs of others. Especially when you eat it every single Friday.

Your perfume could be rancid.

Clicking your ink pen in & out, in & out, in & out, in & out, in & out over several hours can make those around you think homicidal thoughts regarding your existence.

Tapping your fingers on your desk every single day could make you a legendary office annoyance.

Get a clue: You’re grating your coworkers’ nerves. You’re shredding their sanity to pieces. Tiny pieces.

I’ve always said that employees often spend more time around their coworkers than they do their own family. In an office environment you could very well dwell 8 hours around your coworkers. IN THE SAME SEAT. IN THE SAME CUBICLE. Gosh, if there’s someone anywhere near to you that’s annoying that can be beyond painful.

At home during an 8-hour span you could relocate; you’re not sentenced to one area.  Nor are there others around you that you have to play office politics with and not be able to just say “STOP POPPING THAT EFFING GUM!!!!”

At work you’re tethered to a desk, you’re just stuck. Add the grating behaviors of those around you and it can be awful.

For the love of sanity please become self-aware. Or work from home.

Dear Cafeteria Lady

Dear Cafeteria Lady,

First of all I would like to thank you for performing your thankless job of preparing food and then presenting it to us ornery office workers as we buzz through the line during lunch asking various asinine questions such as, “Is that CORN?” when clearly it’s corn.  Or when one of us inevitably spills gravy all over the OTHER foods when we clearly or not so clearly aimed the ladle at our pile of mashed potatoes. I also would like to apologize on behalf of all of the coworkers who text while going through the food line, who fail to notice that they’re holding up the line or that their yakking is so loud that every single person within hearing distance is glaring at their very moving mouth shooting firey darts their way.

The thing that really makes such people annoying is that they don’t even feel the firey darts.

I know. I know us office workers are testy for someone who works so hard to prepare delectable grub for us to devour and then have the AUDACITY to leave our sloppy trays and food messes right there on the cafeteria tables for you to clean up.

The nerve of us.

We’re horrible, yes. But I have an itty-bitty complaint about you, Dear Cafeteria Lady.

Um, could you…Could you…Is it possible when you’re doling food onto my plate that you keep your, um, THUMB out of my food? I mean, I’m sure you’re required by law to wash your hands while handling public food and all that but sometimes just the very sight of your thumb embedded in my mashed potatoes gives me the sheer willies. Thank you for understanding.

Signed,

Cubicle Dweller #382

 

Dear…Holiday Helen

Nearly every office in America has one.

That coworker who absolutely EATS holidays.

By “eats” I mean she (99% of the time it’s a female)worships every single holiday. I refer to this ubiquitous character as Holiday Helen. Feel free to insert your own Hilda, Marjorie, Blanche or Christina.

Holiday Helen watches her calendar with feverish salivation so that she can immerse herself into whatever holiday it is.

Even St. Patrick’s Day. She wears green from head to toe. Even her fingernails were painted green.

Oy.

Well, now it’s Easter week and she’s been boiling and dyeing eggs since March 15th.

She has plastic, chocolate, foamy, multicolored egg replicas on her desk. She has a huge easter basket strategically placed so that she can lure any coworker into a conversation about the current holiday. She knows holiday stats, too, and rambles them off to whomever gets stuck standing at her desk after having made the mistake of accepting a “free” chocolate egg from her.

She wears sweaters with easter bunny faces on them. She spilled glitter on your desk when she was explaining her most recent holiday craft project with her kids.

Now you have glitter on your eyelids that won’t wash away without puncturing your skin. Or visiting an optometrist.

She even makes bunny noises and knits sweaters for actual rabbits she has yet to meet.

Dear Holiday Helen:

STOP IT.

Dear…Person Who Farted on the Elevator

Dear Person Who Farted on the Elevator:

I know what it’s like to not be able to hold in your air. I do. I mean, I’ve been there. I’ve eaten beans or onions or cabbage or lettuce, even, and then…OHMYGOD.WHAT’S.GOING.ON.WITH.MY.REAR.END?!!! So I get it. I do. But if you must let loose The Big One or a series of Big Ones in a small enclosed space I just wish you could’ve/would’ve held it in until you exited the small closed space. Now that would have been kind, thoughtful and respectful of others’ nose hairs.

Truthfully, the air in the elevator resembled old broccoli spears mixed with halitosis mixed with decomposition mixed with sewage topped with garlic. Sprinkle on some toe jam and that would adequately describe the very cloud that you left in the elevator.

I mean, I feel like airing out my blouse.

I mean, I think I threw up in my mouth a tiny bit.

For your sake I left some Beano on your desk. Please use it immediately.  

Thanking you in advance for never committing this horrid workplace crime again.

Signed,

Coworker #125

Annoying Noises at Work

Are there sounds that you hear throughout your workday, particularly in CubicleVille, that drive you bonkers?

It could be anything. The sound of the copy machine moving paper through its suction/placement mysterious contraption mechanical thingies and landing them on a tray where you can then carry them to your boss.

The squealing noise of the fax machine as it transmits written information from your hell hole to another hell hole in Muncie, Indiana.

The click, clack, cluck sound of someone who types really loud.  You know, the guy with really big fingers who literally stabs at the keyboard as if he’s got a beef to settle with it. Yeah, that guy. And those fingers. Um-hmm, that clicking noise. 

I can’t stand that clicking noise. It drives me bonkers. One of the reasons it drives me insane is because I can’t very well go to The Man and say, “Um, excuse me, Sir…That guy over there is typing too loud…Yep, I know he’s doing his JOB but his typing is just too loud.”

What about mouth noises…

 

The constant throat clearer

The gum popper

The granola bar wrapper unwrapper-er

The mouth-wide-open popcorn cruncher

The chronic sniffer (BLOW YOUR NOSE ALREADY!!)

The heavy sigher who sighs heavily every four seconds as if he has to make the biggest, most complicated decision of his very life EVERY FEW SECONDS

The ink pen tapper

The fingers-on-desk-thumper…

The person (usually a guy) who walks around the office all day jingling coins in his pants pockets…

 

Is it uncouth to wear earplugs at work? Like, would it be unprofessional at all? Think it could go into my personnel file: “Annoyed by others. Wears earplugs in cubicle.”

 

I SO work well alone.

 

 

Ole Hally Tosis

Um, what do you do when there’s a coworker whose breath always, always reeks like sauteed rat heiny mixed with garlic cloves, 1988 onions and withered broccoli spears?

Especially– especially when they’re loquacious?

I mean, they’re forever the person who’s extremely opinionated, who over explains every detail about every report, file, e-mail and weekend adventure right down to the most minute of exhalations.

I think it’s coworker abuse to open one’s mouth and gnats fly out.

Do you think it could be a medical condition?

Should I anonymously place a tongue scraper on their desk?

Breath mints?

A year’s supply of minty gum?

Should I push the water cooler closer to his very desk?

Strategcially place a note of recommendation to a dentist who specializes in mouth funktitude?

I feel sorry for his chin area.

Signed,

Holding Nose in CubicleVille

Other Duties As Assigned: Oy

Sure, we’re all supposed to pull our weight. Of course. I mean, it’s what a team player is, right? Oh, never mind that I do all of my own work–duties that were assigned to me, that were spelled out in my job description at the interview AND the orientation, what is expected of me in exchange for a biweekly paycheck, health insurance, access to the building, the use of a desk and chair, etc.

So I do my own work. Paper crap, fool around with various office machinery that apparently frightens some executive types. (Have you ever seen a grown man, all of 58 years old, afraid to push START on a copy or fax machine? I mean, he makes like one point five gazillion bucks per year and yet programming his outgoing voicemail is rocket science so he calls me–or you– to do it for him while he stands there looking sheepish in his Cole Hahn loafers. Beyond annoying.)

Oh gosh. I did it again. I started to rant about one thing and completely veered off about another thing. I’m a Rant Specialist. With sidebar issues.

Back to the program.

So anyhoos, where was I? Oh yeah, team player crap.

So like I said we’re all supposed to be team players or at least pretend to be a team player. But really, some people don’t know where to draw the line. Their workplace vision is blurred when it comes to their responsibilities and others’ responsibilities.

Case in point…The coworker who always, always needs help with things he/she doesn’t want to do. (I never name names Eileen so I won’t start now.) This person never seems to be able to complete certain tasks without insinuating the team aspect of things.

“Um, Jennifer, would you like to help me move some boxes to the storage room?”

She stands there at the opening of my cubicle all smiley and cheerful as if she’s just asked me to join her for lunch, a pleasant experience involving delectables, a fizzy drink, dessert perhaps.

Dude, you just asked me to perform labor, as in physical labor. I’m wearing pumps and nylons and a pencil skirt that I can barely fit into, for crying out loud. Why in the world would I want to assist someone while at work IN AN OFFICE JOB (not a warehouse or a field where I expect to perform physical labor that involves back and neck and shoulder and arm and leg muscles) with lifting anything? (Not to mention when I have boxes or files to transport I just move them myself; I certainly don’t go searching for coworkers to make the task easier.)

I mean, I’m sitting here at my desk in a cushioned seat using only small muscles while clicking the mouse over ZAPPOS.com. Oh gosh, those boots are cue-yoot. Why would I “like” to stop this task and begin another more strenuous task that you’re supposed to be doing?

I’m tempted–oh so tempted–to suggest that she call someone in maintenance to help her. Someone who was provided with an ergonomic back brace thingy. But I remember I have expenses like an upcoming oil change and I still don’t know what that rattling noise is coming from beneath my hood…So I put on a team player smile and agree to help her move approximately six heavy boxes to the storage room.

‘Else she may rat out my epic fail of straining my back slash doing her work being a team player.

I swear, there’s a sheer art to faking it. It actually hurts my cheek muscles when I have to smile at people who vex me to the skies.

Strange Actual Coworker Complaints

From NBC New York…Managers were asked to name the oddest workplace complaints they’d ever received.  Brace yourself.  [Cough]. I can actually relate to a few of them. What about you?

Co-worker “eats all the good cookies.”

Co-worker “wants to check me for ticks.”

Co-worker is “magnetic and keeps de-activating my magnetic access card.”

Co-worker’s “aura is wrong.”

Co-worker reminds me “too much of Bambi.”

Co-worker “smells like road ramps.”

Co-worker is “so polite, it’s infuriating.”

Co-worker “breathes too loudly.”

Co-worker is “trying to poison me.”

Co-worker “spends too much time caring for stray cats around the building.”

Co-worker is “personally responsible for the federally mandated tax increase.”

And I thought I had worked with some oddballs in the past.

This actually makes me feel a tad relieved. Now if only I can get rid of the chronic bubble gum popper…