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Dear Cafeteria Lady

30 Apr

Dear Cafeteria Lady,

First of all I would like to thank you for performing your thankless job of preparing food and then presenting it to us ornery office workers as we buzz through the line during lunch asking various asinine questions such as, “Is that CORN?” when clearly it’s corn.  Or when one of us inevitably spills gravy all over the OTHER foods when we clearly or not so clearly aimed the ladle at our pile of mashed potatoes. I also would like to apologize on behalf of all of the coworkers who text while going through the food line, who fail to notice that they’re holding up the line or that their yakking is so loud that every single person within hearing distance is glaring at their very moving mouth shooting firey darts their way.

The thing that really makes such people annoying is that they don’t even feel the firey darts.

I know. I know us office workers are testy for someone who works so hard to prepare delectable grub for us to devour and then have the AUDACITY to leave our sloppy trays and food messes right there on the cafeteria tables for you to clean up.

The nerve of us.

We’re horrible, yes. But I have an itty-bitty complaint about you, Dear Cafeteria Lady.

Um, could you…Could you…Is it possible when you’re doling food onto my plate that you keep your, um, THUMB out of my food? I mean, I’m sure you’re required by law to wash your hands while handling public food and all that but sometimes just the very sight of your thumb embedded in my mashed potatoes gives me the sheer willies. Thank you for understanding.

Signed,

Cubicle Dweller #382

 

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Workplace Kitchen Humor

4 Apr

Honesty Day, Part 1

6 Dec

So I’m interviewing for jobs here in the D.C. area and I am so weary of the questions potential employers ask.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just be honest, truly honest with our answers and still land the job? In my book I vociferate about a fictional and therefore proposed Honesty Day–a day where people could just be honest, period. Not mean, just honest. I ramble on about how carefree and relaxed the world would be if people were simply allowed to be honest, even if just for one day.

Exhibit A in Honesty Land:

What would you say is your weakness?

Food. Especially starch. No, no, no–sugar. But please don’t get me started on donuts. Or cherry vanilla ice cream.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Hopefully on the other side of a winning lottery ticket in a gated compound somewhere. Certainly not perched here in one of your outward facing cubicles where you can see my computer screen while I search the web for miscellaneous recipes and private gynecological concerns.

How do you deal with challenges?

Um, I bite my fingernails and spit them across the room. But sometimes I hide under my bed until the current challenge dissipates. Or sometimes I crawl into a ball–total fetal position–and weep like a wimp.

Tell me a little about yourself.

Well, my weight fluctuates constantly, especially when I eat past 8 p.m. I’d like to at least make over $40k since rent is sky-high in this area. Um, that would be after taxes.

Oh, and I’m getting a dog soon. Probably a puppy. Lab mix.

Why did you apply for this position?

Because it pays money. For what possible other reason do you think? Sir?

How would your coworkers describe you?

Who gives a sheet. They’re the reason I’m looking for another job in the first place. But if you MUST know, Becky would probably say I don’t listen intently enough when she grumbles about her boyfriend–all eight hours of each work day, five days a week. (Cry me a river; I don’t even have a boyfriend!)

Suzie thinks I ate all of the chocolates from the candy bowl on her desk last week just because she saw a wrapper in my trashcan matching the missing chocolates. Sure, I had one but, gosh, Suzie probably ate all of them herself.

Bill would probably say I work well alone.

Marsha? She’s the loud talker who doesn’t grasp the reality of shared office space. (Everyone knows that Marsha has a questionable mole on her bum, that her second husband was awful with tools and that her teenager pops his zits at the dinner table just to annoy her.)

Edward? Edward thinks the earth is flat so no need to survey him on me.

Feel free to ask me any questions you might have about this position. Though this is not a question, there’s still an often non-honest timid response to it. But on Honesty Day, I would say:

Um, yeah…When exactly are your pay periods? I mean, would I have to work two or four weeks before receiving my first paycheck?

I’m so not cut out for CubicleVille.