Dear Clueless Gum Popper @the Office:
Must you torture our ears with the pop, pop, popping sound of chewing gum bumping against your teeth as you twist and turn the glob in such a fashion that it makes noises outside of your own personal space?
You’re killing us, your coworkers.
The very sound of that snap, crackle, popping noise nearly eight hours a day has made some of us imagine purely evil thoughts against you. We almost can’t help ourselves. We’ve been through this before.
Why, Bill, he even tried to remove the gum from your desk when we sent you on that wild goose chase for the McCafferty files on the 2nd floor. Remember? When you came back to the department six times and Laura sent you back again and again?
Ahem. There are no McCafferty files.
As long as you keep abusing us with noise pollution we will continue plotting against you and your gum stash.
There you sit day in and day out popping gum resembling a firecracker that can be heard all the way down the hallway. I once was in the stairwell and heard it as I opened the door. Do you know how far the stairwell is from your desk?
I’ve fantasized about you having extensive dental work so that you could not chew anything, especially gum. Only quiet things would enter your mouth. Like yogurt.
Once, when you were off from work for two days straight, on sick leave, our entire department breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was two days of no-gum-popping bliss.
No one missed you.
Not even a little bit.
You are clueless in a way that befuddles us all. Do you ever imagine what it’s like to hear the grating noise of a popping sound for hours each day?And even with the repeated hints we’ve given you, you still stuff that gum into your pie hole and go to town gnawing on it as if it’s your very first piece of gum ever, as if the sugar in the gum is magic elixir that you must extract every single bit of.
Please, for the love of sanity, switch to hard candy.
We can’t take it anymore.
Aching in CubicleVille,