craigslist employment blues

So I’m perusing craigslist employment ads like I do every single day (including weekends) and I’m just so weary and nauseated with the office lingo, with the very  language use of corporate Droneville.  Some soundbites for your viewing/nauseated pleasure:

“Looking for ambitious, well-organized, go-getters who love talking to, working with and helping people…”

Come on. You want ambition and organization within talkative go-getters who “love” working with/helping people?

The use of the word “love” is a bit much.

And if I’m such a “go-getter” why would I want to work there?

Guess how much they’re paying. No really, guess.

Peanuts. With miscellaneous raisins.

And as if that’s not joke enough, they’re actually holding interviews at 9 p.m.

AT NIGHT.

Seriously? (I think they’re all high on grassy substances.)

Next up:

We are looking for an excellent Administrative Assistant to join our team!
Three words sum up our perfect candidate:
Competence, Attitude, Team Player
Competence: Must be a Customer Service Pro! Must have familiarity with popular office software, strong organizational skills and must be good with numbers.   Sound office experience is preferred.
Attitude:  If you have to ask, you’re probably not the One.
Team Player:  Working well with every member of our team and our clients is a non-negotiable requirement.  When our clients win, the teams wins, you win.
WE ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES.

Ok. First of all, the use of exclamation marks is grating my innards.

And what’s with “The One”? What IS THIS, a marriage? A lifelong search for the love of your life–err-office?

Let’s see…they want a “competent, organized great attitude’d team playing numbers pro whose familiar with all office software who works well with EVERY member of their team”, even the uber-annoying team members you’d never ever in LIFE sign up to spend ONE MILLI-SECOND with.

I see a major problemo here.

The salary on this one, you ask? It’s labeled “negotiable” which probably means they will be offering around $28k before taxes of course for you to live in the exorbitant D.C. area and the “negotiation” will involve you and your crumbly one-dollar bills being inserted into the tricky Metro bill feeder on your way to cubicle #13.

Oy.

P.S.: 

Not to mention many office jobs here EVEN WHEN THEY’RE NOT DIRECTLY GOVERNMENT require all kinds of security clearances, full scope polygraphs, etc. Dudes, if you saw some of the clowns spilling out of federal office buildings or some of these “clearance required” companies, you’d wonder how in THE WORLD they passed any kind of background check. Some of them I’m certain have dead cats in their basements.

Signed,

Peeved in D.C.