The Land of Peculiar Internet Searches

27 Nov

Once again, folks, I present some of the peculiar albeit hilarious internet searches that led people to The Cubicle Rebel blog here on WordPress.com.

It is a sheer joy of mine to see what people enter into search engines. It makes me think my ideal job would be to work at GOOGLE in the internet searches department where all day I could wear comfy shoes and tattered jeans while sipping peppermint tea and howling at the very subjects and search terms that people use to find whatever it is they’re searching for.

This is a mere sampling, of course.   As always, my own musings appear in bold. Stick around for the one that takes the cake at the end.

1.  introvert eager to date (Awwww.)

2.  piece of glitter stuck on eyeball (Um, perhaps you shouldn’t be typing right now.) 

3.  erratic (Seriously, does the internet think I’m erratic? This particularly disturbs me because this word always appears in searches that leads people to this blog. I think I need to see a therapist.)

4.  how to build epic cubicle like a sir (Looks like the guy who thinks he’s a wizard got loose.) 

5.  tissue in pickup truck (WHAT?)

6.  plantar fasciitis typing (So your feet hurt while your typing?) 

7.  pain in her high heels (Who’s “her”?) 

8.  evil lunch lady (Seems many of us have one.) 

9.  why do some people have road rage (Good question. Me wonders these things, too.) 

10.  it people

11.  obesity mcdonalds around the corner pics (So you’re saying McDonalds ITSELF is obese and that it’s around the corner?)

12.  interview pantyhose (I wonder where I can find specific interview nylons.) 

13.  why do people wash their hands (Quite frankly, your’e gross.)

14.  how to get fake job references

15.  creepy lunch lady.

16.  kfc mistake

17.  highheels makes me no pains

18.  my coworker is always in my cubicle (God, I get it. Oh, I get it.) 

19.  wal mart dachshund (Could someone possibly think that walMart sells dogs? Oh-boy.)

And now, Ladies & Gentlemen, the one that TAKES THE CAKE:

20.  my coworker stinks and farts i vomited my lunch

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOO funny, I almost can’t take it.

 

 

 

Mama Knows: Return to The Cubicle

26 Nov

I know.

No, really, I know.

Most of you just enjoyed a four-day weekend, if not longer, and now you’re back in Hell Hole #16 moving papers from one desk to another.

Perhaps on top of this reality you ate too much on Thanksgiving, including leftovers, and so now you’re not only sitting at your desk with those awful fluorescent lights buzzing over your scalp but you’re feeling all water-retention-ny. You don’t even want your pants to touch your waist.

Oh, I get it. I do.

There’s that coworker that you often avoid because of their propensity to grate your nerves. To make matters worse, they put their leftover gravy stained Tupperware right beside your lettuce sandwich in the tiny company refrigerator. Right next to it. Now you have the gravy juices of a person you don’t quite like smeared on your lunch bag.

Try not to think about it.

I realize you’d rather be at a higher paying job, a career, really. But you’re there. And it’s Monday. And the next holiday isn’t until Christmas day. Yikes, because it’s towards the end of the year you’ve run out of personal days and your sick day levels are dangerously low.  You feel like gnashing your teeth in vocational frustration.

Don’t.

Instead just keep calm and carry on.

Mondays are never the end of your world.

Hiatus Part II

13 Nov

Hey there!

Working on a HUGE project involving paper cuts and monkeys. Kidding only on the latter part.

The project should be done by the week after Thanksgiving.

Then I’ll be back with more charm, more snarl, more exposure of CubicleVille and its trappings, both inner and peripherally.

Until then…

A partial re-post from last year @ Thanksgiving:

I thought I’d share with you some odd tidbits I discovered about turkeys…

  • Turkeys have heart attacks. When the Air Force was conducting test runs and breaking the sound barrier, fields of turkeys would drop dead.
  • Turkeys can drown if they look up when it is raining.
  • Turkeys spend the night in trees. They fly to their roosts around sunset.
  • Gobbling starts before sunrise and can continue through most of the morning.

I swear, I didn’t make this stuff up.

In the U.S. about 280 million turkeys are sold for the Thanksgiving celebrations.

Minnesota is the United States’ top turkey producing state, followed by North Carolina, Arkansas, Missouri, Indiana, and Virginia.

3,000 calories are consumed by the average person at Thanksgiving dinner.

50 million pumpkin pies are eaten at Thanksgiving.

72 million cans of Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce are purchased each year.

Happy Holiday!

“See” ya soon!

Show Us a Photo: Maybe We’ll Hire You

5 Nov

A weird trend I’m starting to see in job listings are of potential employers requesting a photo of job applicants.

I know, RIGHT? 

There was a temporary job I spotted recently that I was applying for and the woman  e-mailed me asking for a recent photo to be sent in.

Um, WHAT?

WHY?

I wrote her back in a slightly scathing e-mail informing her that I have NO interest in ANY job that would require a photo of me before even interviewing me.

You’d think other than in the entertainment industry this would be illegal, right? I mean, that business is all about head shots and looks and the “right fit” cosmetically. I get it. But for the average job–particularly in an office setting–what gives?

I just knew that it had to be some sort of discriminatory act, this photo requesting. So I did some research and discovered that asking for a photo is not illegal at all. But there’s a catch…

From freeadvice.com the question was answered:

No, it’s not necessarily illegal to ask for a photo prior to an interview. And nor is it necessarily illegal discrimination to discriminate on the basis of looks. What’s forbidden is discriminating on several bases, such as gender; religion; race; age over 40; disability; etc. If you believe that you did not get  the job because of one of those characteristics–which are often revealed via a photo or appearance–you may have a discrimination case.

On the other hand, an employer could choose to hire a more attractive applicant, or to not hire because they don’t like how you look, as long as it’s not owing to one of the grounds above. Only the specifically prohibited discrimination is actually prohibited.

Legal tangles. Notice the wording, the twisted vernacular. So sneaky the powers that be. Come on, we all know that looks trump every single thing in this world. There have even been studies done that show babies gazing at the “prettier” or more attractive face when presented with a series of photos.

So why are my britches in a bunch? Because I think it’s ridiculous to:

1) ask for a photo for a job involving NOTHING to do with appearance

and

2) ask for a photo for a job involving NOTHING to do with appearance.

My fingers will be doing the typing. What if they’re not pretty?

My eyes will be doing the scanning of documents. What if they’re not pretty?

Cough. Is my brain attractive enough? Did you need a photo of that, too?

This is all dumb.

I was so tempted to send in a huge print-out photo of a gorilla along with my resume.

Here’s my picture, a-holes:

YOU HAPPY NOW? 

Personality Tests: For Some = Epic Fail

31 Oct

So I was riding in my car the other day pretending that I don’t see the 200,000 mile mark creeping upward and I heard John Tesh (remember him from “Entertainment Tonight”?) on his radio show talking about jobs and those awful personality tests they sometimes require before hiring people.

He made some really good points. Such as…

Personality tests are like (an employer) reading your private diary.(Yikes! DO YOU KNOW THE STUFF I’D PUT IN A PERSONAL DIARY IF I HAD ONE?!)

The key, he admonished, is to be perfectly honest because those tests are structured to know if you’re fudging your answers. Here are a few actual personality test questions to ponder…

Are you more frequently a:

a practical sort of person OR

a fanciful sort of person?

First of all, I dunno. I don’t even like the word “fanciful.” It sounds flighty, like I wouldn’t know that the Frucker file goes under “F”. I mean, “fanciful” in the reviewer’s eyes could mean that I dance on tables with alcoholic beverages in my hands or that I believe that unicorns should be domestic animals.  If unicorns are even real.

I mean, here’s an official definition of the word itself:

  1. fan·ci·ful

    Adjective:
    1. (of a person or their thoughts and ideas) Overimaginative and unrealistic.
    2. Existing only in the imagination or fancy.

GOSH.

I AM over-imaginative (I’m a writer, for crying out loud and an artist who thinks that I’ll be wealthy beyond boundaries in the very near future even though of late I’ve been relying more and more on rolling found coins) and I believe–OH, I BELIEVE–in big things. Big. Even when they’re still the size of salt crumbs. (Um, is that “unrealistic”?)

Here’s another personality test question:

Are you more likely to trust your:

experience OR

a hunch?

Again, this reeks of a set-up. Either answer could prove skids for you, the desperate, nearly broke job seeker who just needs to pay their monthly bills and have some cheese crackers and powdered tea left over after all the checks are written.

Do you prefer:

many friends with brief contact OR

a few friends with more lengthy contact?

This one right here, this is the one I FEAR. As in tiny bits of fingernails bitten and spat across rooms, right there at the potential job site. Bits of bitten, spitty nail fragments on the floor.  They’re trying to see if I play well with others.

Only thing is, these “others” are coworkers, not necessarily friends. 

SIGH.

I mean, on the one hand I work well alone. As in put me in a corner away from the office riff-raff and I’ll get TONS of stuff done and feel rejuvenated but on the other hand, I can work in a “team” as long as the team is easy to get along with. Get it?

From this side of things–a job seeking, potential employee–I don’t agree with personality tests. I believe they are flawed and judgmental and unnecessary for most jobs.  After all, I’ve worked at the likes of the Department of Justice (headquarters, mind you) and some other big players without aforementioned test and I did just fine filing their boring files and typing their boring documents.

Wanna take a free personality test? Go ahead, do it. See how dirty you judgmental it feels.

I like the old school days when you were hired based on your resume, eye burning eye contact and a good, firm handshake.

Just $500

23 Oct

A recent survey by CreditDonkey.com, a credit card comparison company, found that more than half of Americans do not have more than $500 in total (cash) savings.

WOWZA.

That’s like 1/3 of some people’s rent.

That’s like just two month’s car payments.

That’s like not enough to fix a radiator or a timing belt.

It surely ain’t six months savings.

Talk about living paycheck-to-paycheck.

In the aforementioned survey people also expressed concern and anxiety over the fear of not being able to save enough for retirement.  Particularly those already in their 30’s or older.

A few years back when I sold the one and only house I’d ever “owned” (I use quotes because the bank technically owns it until you pay for it, all typical 30 years of a mortgage. I’ve always been persnickety about the use of the term home ownership. But I digress) I had a great deal of money, all mine to spend how I chose. I had no debt, really and just my monthly bills.  I eyeballed a few things like renovating houses and writing projects but nothing took hold.

Oh, I had great plans to establish myself outside of CubicleVille. What started out as an auspicious road to financial freedom involving land and quality of life turned in to a glorified sabbatical. (Now I have a huge gap on my resume that just won’t close; apparently it makes potential employers chuck my resume into a trashcan. Or shredder.)

After the money dried up as I sat unemployed for what seemed like forever.  What did I do? Did I put all of my trust into a job or the prospect of a job? No, I couldn’t. There are just times when you don’t get hired in enough time to not fall through the cracks financially. Either that or you do get hired but you’re making, oh, $8 working at Macy’s and they’re only gifting you with 25 hours/week.

Hmm. That’s $200/week before taxes. Which would be approximately $800/month before taxes.  

They rent rooms here in the D.C. area for $500-900/month and upwards. Don’t believe me? Have a glimpse at craigslist.dc.

For me, having a huge sum of money mixed with time off mixed with vocational frustration mixed with an innate need for freedom made me look at working differently. I no longer view a job as a potential career or a career as a long-term solution to most of my future needs and desires.

Jobs come and go. Sometimes careers do, too.

So find a way to have enough financially for your own/family’s needs,  a safety net of your own bearings.  All around all of us there are ions of things to make into hot commodities.

Food. Clothing. Sewing. Physical labor. Kids. Talking. Blogging. Fixing computers. Driving. Advertising space. Cleaning. Busking. Tutoring.

And the list goes on.

What I’ve learned from having money and then not having money is that no matter what, NO MATTER WHAT you have to always have a back-up plan, a talent reserve, a side hustle to earn a living.

You cannot always and should not always rely on a mere job to float you straight into retirement. Whenever that is.

And if you’re one of the “half of Americans” with merely $500 in savings, YOU BETTER FIND YOUR HUSTLE.  

Waitress + Red Lipstick = Big Tips

18 Oct

Even though I’ve touched on the table waiting profession before here on the blog, this red blurb caught my attention.

Earlier this year a study found that waitresses who wore red lipstick got bigger tips.  In the experiment, researchers had seven waitresses wear red, pink, brown or no lipstick while serving 447 customers in three restaurants.

The male patrons doled out tips to waitresses wearing red lipstick much more frequently than to other waitresses.  Not only that but when they tipped they gave more.

It’s called the Red Effect.

The study also found that a waitress’s lipstick or lack thereof made no difference in how female patrons tipped.

Hmm.

Thought bubble: In this hideous job search I’ve been having, perhaps I should be wearing red lipstick. Even though prior to this study I thought it would be viewed as inappropriate, stank, even. Now I’m not so sure. If I know a man will be interviewing me, I think I’ll keep a tube of ole red in the purse.

Ain’t nothing like a good strategy.