Weird Workplace Bathroom Encounters

1 Mar

Using public bathrooms can already be awkward. I mean, using the bathroom is a private matter involving your utmost personal body parts and excretions. At least when using an extremely public bathroom–say, at a grocery store or at Starbucks or a restaurant–you’re in and out and there are total strangers you may or may not encounter during yours or their, um, deposits.

But at the workplace, they’re not total strangers. Why, there’s Madge from the Acquisitions Department. There’s Mitch from Accounting. There’s The Evil H.R. Lady with her piercing eyes and inquisitive eyebrows.  Oh gosh, there’s coworker # 18 who whistles the “Candy Man” song while he makes his deposit. There’s those shoes under the stall next to you that you aren’t quite sure who they belong to but they’ve been there for over six grueling minutes…still and quiet and eerie…while you’re lingering there waiting to make a huge deposit in peace. Hopefully alone.

There are the coworkers who have no clue that they should wash their hands after making any type of deposit.

There are the coworkers who, even though they wash their hands, they open the door behind sixteen others who did not wash their hands.  The worst–absolute worst–is when you spot one of the filthy handed coworkers fondling left-over (free!) food in the conference room with their door handle hands.

Hmm, do I want this muffin? No. How about THIS muffin…It has more blueberries…Naw, I think I’ll just try this cinammon muffin. Or perhaps this bigger one with the walnuts…Fondle, fondle, fondle.

Oy. There goes your own free muffin. Now it’s tainted with fecal matter from various coworkers.

Public bathrooms have come a long way since I’ve been using them. They’ve invented the automatic flush (more on this in a later post), motion sensor water (more on this, too, in a later post) and they even have foamy soap which seems so much better than the squirty stuff. What they need to invent ASAP is an automatic door where the use of hands is completely unnecessary.

Perhaps this way I can get a free muffin that isn’t tainted.


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