10 Christmas Season Suggestions

22 Dec

1.  Keep your glitter to yourself. When it gets stuck on the side of your face for two weeks in spite of showering, washing your face, at least it’s your own fault.

2.  Please, for the love of every man, woman and child, refrain from parking your gargantuan SUV slash Ford-50 series slash not-so-mini van too close to the vehicles beside you so that the occupants of such cannot even open their own dang door to get into their own dang car. Certainly this is not the Christmas spirit.

3.  When you’re walking through a crowded Macys department store, do not stop immediately and stare at a mannequin’s neck scarf. This will cause the 458 people walking behind you to crash into one another. Not pretty. Not pretty at all. This could cause department store rage.

4.  On the other hand, please do not walk too closely behind the person in front of you and “accidentally” step on the heels of their loafers. This is just rude. And quite painful.

5.  Please notice the ions of people around you who are standing in line waiting to pay for their Christmas crap, too. Rambling on about who you purchased each and every gift for while everyone else waits is just stank. And I can guarantee you that no one in the line BEHIND you cares about your revised fruit cake recipe, the very fact that you soak it in egg nog.

6.  It’s actually ok to NOT park extremely close to the front door of the mall. Idling and staring down every person who exits the mall to see if you can score a parking space mere feet closer to the entrance is just not, well, merry.

7.  When you buy your soft pretzels at the mall please refrain from stopping every few feet to dip them into the corn syrup sauce that came with aforementioned soft pretzel.

8.  When your kid is throwing the fit of his life in the food court, please remove him from the ear space of fellow diners who would like to enjoy their waffle fries without Damien in close proximity threatening to kick his parents in the shins for not buying him every item in the toy store.

9. Speaking of waffle fries, they are not a new creation. Please refrain from publicly wolfing them down with your mouth wide open exposing masticated french fries with ketchup to THE WORLD. 

10.  Please do not push your shopping basket into the buttocks of others. It’s rude. And it hurts.

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