Honesty Day, Part 1

6 Dec

So I’m interviewing for jobs here in the D.C. area and I am so weary of the questions potential employers ask.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just be honest, truly honest with our answers and still land the job? In my book I vociferate about a fictional and therefore proposed Honesty Day–a day where people could just be honest, period. Not mean, just honest. I ramble on about how carefree and relaxed the world would be if people were simply allowed to be honest, even if just for one day.

Exhibit A in Honesty Land:

What would you say is your weakness?

Food. Especially starch. No, no, no–sugar. But please don’t get me started on donuts. Or cherry vanilla ice cream.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Hopefully on the other side of a winning lottery ticket in a gated compound somewhere. Certainly not perched here in one of your outward facing cubicles where you can see my computer screen while I search the web for miscellaneous recipes and private gynecological concerns.

How do you deal with challenges?

Um, I bite my fingernails and spit them across the room. But sometimes I hide under my bed until the current challenge dissipates. Or sometimes I crawl into a ball–total fetal position–and weep like a wimp.

Tell me a little about yourself.

Well, my weight fluctuates constantly, especially when I eat past 8 p.m. I’d like to at least make over $40k since rent is sky-high in this area. Um, that would be after taxes.

Oh, and I’m getting a dog soon. Probably a puppy. Lab mix.

Why did you apply for this position?

Because it pays money. For what possible other reason do you think? Sir?

How would your coworkers describe you?

Who gives a sheet. They’re the reason I’m looking for another job in the first place. But if you MUST know, Becky would probably say I don’t listen intently enough when she grumbles about her boyfriend–all eight hours of each work day, five days a week. (Cry me a river; I don’t even have a boyfriend!)

Suzie thinks I ate all of the chocolates from the candy bowl on her desk last week just because she saw a wrapper in my trashcan matching the missing chocolates. Sure, I had one but, gosh, Suzie probably ate all of them herself.

Bill would probably say I work well alone.

Marsha? She’s the loud talker who doesn’t grasp the reality of shared office space. (Everyone knows that Marsha has a questionable mole on her bum, that her second husband was awful with tools and that her teenager pops his zits at the dinner table just to annoy her.)

Edward? Edward thinks the earth is flat so no need to survey him on me.

Feel free to ask me any questions you might have about this position. Though this is not a question, there’s still an often non-honest timid response to it. But on Honesty Day, I would say:

Um, yeah…When exactly are your pay periods? I mean, would I have to work two or four weeks before receiving my first paycheck?

I’m so not cut out for CubicleVille.


2 Responses to “Honesty Day, Part 1”

  1. Monique December 6, 2011 at 9:55 pm #

    I burst out laughing reading this! Happy I stopped by from the Awkward Girls blog.

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