The Evil Vending Machine

16 Nov

It’s 3:35 p.m.

You had eight ounces of watery noodles for lunch. Lean Cuisine at its best. There were miscellaneous bits of broccoli and mere traces of chicken. “Chunks” the box advertised. You washed it down with some lemonade you brought from home.  You had auspicious plans to start bringing your own lunch to save money “in this economy” and all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You lasted two days. And it’s 3:35 p.m.

You’re already weary of looking forward to eight ounces of noodle and rice variations. And even though you remembered to supplement today’s noodles with a dinner roll that you also brought from home, you’re finding that Lean Cuisine is a farce at making you feel satisfied. Forget feeling full.

You sigh heavily.

You can hear it, The Vending Machine, beckoning you. It’s in your head. It won’t go away like that ridiculous Katy Perry song you loathe but keep hearing on the radio on your way to work. You pretend you don’t hear it. You keep typing the Bronner report. It’s due at 4:30 p.m. Click, click, click…You type furiously, a whole 65 wpm as stated on your resume. You hear a noise. You feel something. A tiny earthquake in your stomach. You keep typing. You ain’t afraid of no earthquake. It’s 4:05 p.m. Your phone rings. You finally finish the report and you send it to the printer. As the printer chug-a-lugs you look through the top drawer of your desk in search of a piece of gum, something to chew on to get you through the rest of the afternoon. Nothing. Not even a peppermint with lint on it. Ah, what’s that, an old Dove chocolate–nope, just a wrapper.

The beckoning gets louder, so loud it drowns out the printer. Six more pages to go.  Then the phone rings.

Hello? Um, yes. Sure, I can add those changes to the Bronner report…Um, no. I didn’t finish typing it yet…Sure. Ok.

It’s 4:09 p.m.

You’re standing at The Vending Machine inserting 85 cents for a half bag of air containing something crunchy and sweet with swirls on it. You don’t even know what you’re eating but you’re too frustrated and hungry to read the ingredients. The contents contain a detailed mixture of red dye #40, yellow lake, salt, sugar, high fructose corn syrup and some other questionable liver rotting substances.

Please at least have an apple today. A nice juicy one will cost you less than 85 cents.



4 Responses to “The Evil Vending Machine”

  1. sheilascribbles November 16, 2011 at 5:05 pm #

    Oh how I long for a vending machine at work . . . four story building and not a vending machine in sight . . .

    • thecubiclerebel November 17, 2011 at 1:32 pm #

      I hear you. Sure, I’m poking fun at the evil side of those machines but truly I’m a perennial victim of their lure. Mysterious chemical laden crunchies and all.

  2. Lacey November 20, 2011 at 3:14 am #

    I gained 5 pounds in the year after finishing school because I worked at a desk job with a vending machine just feet away from me. It was embarrassing when I considered just how money I had poured into that machine to make myself fatter.

    • thecubiclerebel November 20, 2011 at 2:08 pm #

      Yes, vending machines are diabolical. Yet delicious and timely. And yep, they’ve gotten more expensive through the years.

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