How many hours per day would you say you sit in your cubicle/at your desk in a swivel chair at your Establishment?

7 hours?

8 hours?

9 hours?

Well, earlier this month a report came out that we’re sitting ourselves to death. Take a look from Good Morning America:/ABC News:

Scientists are just beginning to investigate how sitting affects health, and early evidence has linked an excess of sitting time to all kinds of chronic maladies, particularly heart disease, diabetes and cancer. Now, a new analysis published in the British Medical Journal suggests that the life expectancy of the entire U.S. population could increase if Americans simply reduce the time they reduce channel-surfing on the sofa. (Cubicle Rebel note: Or sitting at a work station.)

Researchers looked at the results of five studies that explored the effects on nearly 167,000 people of sitting and watching television. Then they turned to national data collected by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on how much time Americans report sitting and watching TV.

Based on all this data, the researchers calculated that limiting the time Americans spend sitting to three hours or fewer each day would increase the life expectancy of the U.S. population by 2 years. Cutting down TV watching to fewer than two hours each day would bump life expectancy up by another 1.4 years.

OUCH.

I wonder how many hours combined I’ve sat at various desks and then went home and watched television or sat at my home computer for several more hours.

Solutions suggested for getting up and moving those legs and body parts is to make a point to get up once an hour, even, and walk around the office, up the hallway or to simply visit a coworker’s desk instead of sending every single e-mail.

Or you could just make a note to yourself to do leg lifts every so often to get the blood circulating.

Don’t let your job kill you.

Just another public service announcement from the Cubicle Rebel.

Easy going out there.

Cringe worthy office terms and belchings:

collating

stuff envelopes

lift/move boxes

1/2 hour lunch

work late

come in early

pink slip

non-catered meeting

new boss

work closely with…(these words in this sequence bites if the coworker you’re going to be “working closely with” is someone you generally avoid).

take notes (meetings)

run errand(s)

cover the phones

detail-oriented

multitask (what am I, an octopus?).

I know.

No, I do. I understand.

I know what it’s like to return to Cubicle #13 after a nice long weekend break from the joint.

I GET IT.

I know how vexed you are to be sitting at your desk in your swivel chair surrounded by the same blockheads you were so relieved to get away from last Thursday or Friday.

There’s Madge and her rancid perfume. Thing is, she got another bottle for Christmas from her husband so it’s stronger and funkier. It leaves a cloud in the very air long after she’s gone. It invades your nostrils and singes the hairs in your nose.

There’s coworker Strange Bob wearing the same corduroys with his mysterious “tuna fish” sandwiches that he puts in the fridge. Sometimes even after you’ve made every possible effort to avoid his lunch, you return to the fridge only to discover that somehow it managed to be placed–squished actually–right next to your lunch. Now you’ve got “tuna fish” essence slash vibes on your own vittles. Not cool at all.

Oh gosh, there’s also the random gum poppers, whistlers, loud talkers, speaker-phone-only coworkers who make your skin crawl, your blood boil, your days longer, your head hurt.

I GET IT.

Then there’s your boss, The Man. The Goon. The Drone. The Gatekeeper. You didn’t even receive a Christmas bonus. You never receive a Christmas bonus but still…Hang in there. We’ve all got our cubicle to bear.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

DO NOT DRINK THE KOOL-AID.

I repeat:

DO NOT DRINK THE KOOL-AID.

Your chosen Establishment is a ways to a means; a way for you to pay for your housing, your car, ridiculous gas prices, potato chips, chewing gum, maxi pads, shaving cream, newer shoes, batteries, whole grain bread, Starbucks cult elixir, new underwear when the elastic boings out of the old ones…You get the picture.

But your Establishment is NOT a place for your mind to be taken over.

You must remain in control of your journey.

You must protect yourself from becoming viscerally one of them.

When you hear words and phrases too often such as:

“The Team”

“We”

“Our”

“Associates”–particularly “Our Associates…”

“Together we can…”

“Let’s…”

Be wary. Be very wary.

This is cult speak. Companies, organizations, your chosen Establishment is out for mind control. They want you to believe that the oganization you work for needs you but not as much as you need them. They want you to think that they care about you, even your family. They want you to believe that what they are paying you is enough, especially before taxes. They want you to play nice and not revolt and subserviently ignore that you will never ever have a seat by a window. EVER. They want you to believe that your squeaky “ergonomic” chair is perfect for your frame even when you spill over it.

They want you to eat microwavable meals for twenty years and use the same water fountain they do to wash down miscellaneous noodles.

They want you to disclose personal information about your health so that they’ll know how to–ahem–insure you adequately. They want you to eat leftover muffins and previously fondled donuts that The Executives flown in from the midwest didn’t want. They want you to be a Follower, regardless of the ongoing “educational” training they offer to keep you feeling auspicious about your career path there.

It’s all a game. And if you’re losing it’s because your first mistake was to trust them with your next twenty years.

First rule of thumb:

Bring your own Kool-Aid.

This has been a public service announcement from a Cubicle Rebel.

2.  Just because you hang out with a coworker (eat lunch, smoke, gossip) does not mean you’re friends.

3.  Your boss should NEVER hear about your utmost personal life. (Even when there seems to be concern in their eyebrow/forehead area.)

4.  Bringing fish to work and microwaving it in a Tupperware container is just wrong.

5.  Net pay and Gross pay are soooooooooo different.

6.  Having to let loose a #2 at work bites.  Really bites. Especially when its stubborn and ornery and just stankola.

7.  Cheap toilet paper (especially tightly rolled cheap toilet paper) bites beyond words. Sure, I’d like to see how LITTLE I can gather in my hands to handle my utmost personal discretions.

8.  Vending machines are pure evil.

9.  Save your vacation pay as much as you possibly can: it’s free money when you leave the company.

10.   Retirement takes too long.

Sure, you frolicked over the long holiday weekend aboloshing thoughts of your cubicle walls the very moment they entered your mind. You ate potato salad. There were chips. Perhaps dip. You slept in late all three days. No alarm clock to arouse you into subservience for eight consecutive hours. Then Tuesday morning arrived.

Now you’re sitting in the joint hating life.

I get it.

I really, really do.

But I want to encourage you to avoid the evils of the vending machine.

The stuff in there is evil. Pure evil. Not watered down evil but solid evil.

Your colon will thank you later.

Carry on.