Even though I’ve touched on the table waiting profession before here on the blog, this red blurb caught my attention.

Earlier this year a study found that waitresses who wore red lipstick got bigger tips.  In the experiment, researchers had seven waitresses wear red, pink, brown or no lipstick while serving 447 customers in three restaurants.

The male patrons doled out tips to waitresses wearing red lipstick much more frequently than to other waitresses.  Not only that but when they tipped they gave more.

It’s called the Red Effect.

The study also found that a waitress’s lipstick or lack thereof made no difference in how female patrons tipped.

Hmm.

Thought bubble: In this hideous job search I’ve been having, perhaps I should be wearing red lipstick. Even though prior to this study I thought it would be viewed as inappropriate, stank, even. Now I’m not so sure. If I know a man will be interviewing me, I think I’ll keep a tube of ole red in the purse.

Ain’t nothing like a good strategy.

I’m clutching my pearls.

Ok, well, I’m pulling out my grandmother’s pearls so that I may clutch them.

Have you heard about Rose? You know, Rose Syracuse Richardone?

OHMYGOSH.

Well, this is Rose:

She’s 92 years old.

This week she retired from New York City’s flagship Macy’s Department store after 73 years of service. 

I KNOW, RIGHT? Your pearls, too, are being clutched.

Rose began working for Macy’s in 1939, as an authorizer in the Deposit of Accounts department.  She was 17-years-old and fresh out of high school. It was her very first job.

CAN YOU IMAGINE? 73 years at one job? Through all of the changing coworkers, fashions, bosses, construction, personal stuff.

I’ve had, like, a kazillion jobs and I’m only 25  28…um, “near” late 30′s.
I always admire people who can take a job and stick with it and do a great job while at it. Just look at Rose. She looks so fresh and happy. Why, she doesn’t even look like she’d get online and badmouth Macy’s or their testy customers with anonymous discussion board monikers like “MacysSux” or “ShoveItCustomerService” or “RoseysMiddleFinger@Ya.”

Rose states about her time there:

“In 1939, Macy’s was a one-stop store…You could get meat, straight pins, really anything…We had an apothecary, liquor store, and even a butcher shop. We have obviously evolved since then.”

A sheer highlight of her tenure there was in 1947 when she and other employees watched as “Miracle on 34th Street” was filmed inside the store.

Whoopsies. I think I’ve broken my line of pearls from all of the clutching.

Aw, just go here and read the entire story yourself.

I need tissues. Rose is too cute.

Have you ever been fired from a job for “misconduct”?

I quote the word because usually when someone loses a job for “misconduct” the very meaning of the word suddenly becomes subjective to opinion, as in employer vs. employee.

Gosh, there are so very many reasons one can be fired from a job, so many sticky situations. Think about it: most people do something “fire-able” at each and every job at some point.

For instance, do you “steal” office products? Those cute purple clicker ink pens you like so much? Paper? Make copies on their dime? Talk on the telephone for two hours a day (15 minutes here, 30 minutes there)? Do you “steal” away time during what should be your one-hour lunch break? File your nails? Snoop in confidential files?

I could keep going but I won’t. You get the picture.

Well, take a wince at this story…

A Wal-Mart greeter in St. Petersburg, FL was fired from her job after 22 years with the company. The reason? Well, there was a “scuffle” involving her and a customer who shoved her and the employee grabbed the customer’s sweater.

Now the employee, 73-year-old Jan Sullivan, not only lost her job but lost her home from being fired and quickly falling behind on her bills.  She’s not entitled to unemployment benefits because she was fired for–misconduct.

Sigh.

My thing is this…If you have an employee working for you for 22 years that should imply a great deal of good about that employee. I mean, she’s been dealing with customers–every Tom, Dick & Scary–for 22 years! Do you know how many personalities, nuances, idiosyncrasies that is?!

So when a willy-nilly customer comes in and physically messes with that 22-year employee, you should think twice about EVERYTHING. Especially terminating the aforementioned employee.

Wal-Mart has a sad history of treating employees like crapola. They do. All one has to do is Google Wal-Mart to read the gobs of stories about the company and the lawsuits against them. Sure, I know they’re a dynasty practically, very powerful, extremely cautious about lawsuits involving customers particularly, but 22 years?! 

REALLY?

I wish Ms. Jan Sullivan well. I do, I do. Imagine being 73 years old and having to be in this sharky job market starting over.

No, not the slightly amused guy; either the napping one or the yawning one. This could mean you are right-brain or an innovator in the making.

2.  You watch the clock every single day. When it nears 5:00 p.m. you are the one packing up your desk and pressing your finger against the button that turns OFF your computer.

3.  Gabardine makes you itch. Really itch. 

4.  Your coworkers remind you of a herd of cows.

5.  You don’t “see yourself there in five years.” Nope, you see yourself anywhere but there in five years. 

6.  You remove your “work shoes” and slip on comfy shoes before pulling out of the company parking lot. 

7.  You have nightmares about office products. They appear to you in huge balls. Like this one:

8.  Whenever there’s a three-day weekend upon you, you salivate while marking the very days off on your wall calendar. Right there where everyone in your office, including your boss, can see. You use black Sharpies.

9.  You’re a hopeless dreamer. Your dreams are so big they astound everyone but you.

10. Your desk usually looks like this:

This has been yet another public service announcement from the Cubicle Rebel. 

I used to want to be so many things growing up, naturally.

I think my very, very first aspiration was to be the Bionic Woman.  No, make that a singer. I grew up watching a lot of variety shows like Tony Orlando & Dawn, Merv Griffin and the Captain & Tennille Show (ouch: I’m aging myself) where singers wore long, jeweled gowns and patted their legs a lot and swung their long hair to the side between lyrics. I even used to put on shows in the living room wearing towels on my head as long hair. I was a card. There was even that track & field Olympic dream that fizzled.

Fast forward many years to post-college and entry into CubicleVille. I began a paper shuffle that lasted forever, not quite assimilating into office life, thrashing like a fish out of water along the way. When I see the list below of what are currently the best-paying jobs for women, while I am proud of others’ accomplishments, I cringe at the very fact that I could not see myself in any of these professions. Well, except one.

Maybe–maybe the psychologist role. I mean, I like the thought of helping others work through their mess and I’ve been performing the role of unofficial psychologist throughout my life (Don’t we all at some point?) to friends, family members, random people at the grocery store, etc.

According to Forbes magazine, the following is a list of the best-paying jobs for women in 2012…

No. 1: Pharmacists
Median weekly earnings: $1,898
Approximate median yearly earnings: $99,000
Women as percentage of the profession: 56%
Earnings as percentage of men’s earnings: 95%

No. 2: Lawyers
Median weekly earnings: $1,631
Approximate median yearly earnings: $85,000
Women as percentage of the profession: 34%
Earnings as percentage of men’s earnings: 87%

No. 3: Computer and Information Systems Managers
Median weekly earnings: $1,543
Approximate median yearly earnings: $80,000
Women as percentage of the profession: 26%
Earnings as percentage of men’s earnings: 97%

No. 4: Physicians and Surgeons
Median weekly earnings: $1,527
Approximate median yearly earnings: $79,000
Women as percentage of the profession: 36%
Earnings as percentage of men’s earnings: 79%

No. 5: Chief Executives
Median weekly earnings: $1,464
Approximate median yearly earnings: $76,000
Women as percentage of the profession: 25%
Earnings as percentage of men’s earnings: 69%

No. 6: Nurse Practitioners
Median weekly earnings: $1,432
Approximate median yearly earnings: $74,000
Women as percentage of the profession: 85%
Earnings as percentage of men’s earnings: data not available

No. 7: Software Developers*
Median weekly earnings: $1,388
Approximate median yearly earnings: $72,000
Women as percentage of the profession: 18%
Earnings as percentage of men’s earnings: 86%
*Applications and systems software

No. 8: Operations Research Analysts
Median weekly earnings: $1,326
Approximate median yearly earnings: $69,000
Women as percentage of the profession: 44%
Earnings as percentage of men’s earnings: 105%

No. 9: Human Resources Managers
Median weekly earnings: $1,273
Approximate median yearly earnings: $66,000
Women as percentage of the profession: 72%
Earnings as percentage of men’s earnings: 86%

No. 10: Psychologists
Median weekly earnings: $1,244
Approximate median yearly earnings: $65,000
Women as percentage of the profession: 71%
Earnings as percentage of men’s earnings: data not available.

Here’s a new one:

No. 11: Right-Brain Flitterer

Median weekly earnings: 0

Approximate median yearly earnings: 0

Women as percentage of profession: 18%

Earnings as percentage of men’s earnings: data too confusing.

The reason it could make the list for “best-paying jobs for women” is because following one’s dreams, however sloppy they may be(come), is compensation in itself.

From Yahoo! Education

Those six careers are…

1.  Medical & Health Services Manager

Job Details: Health services managers typically manage finances of a department or facility, organize records like the number of inpatient beds used, and communicate with other members of the medical staff. The Department of Labor projects employment in this field to grow 22 percent, which is equivalent to 68,000 jobs, from 2010 to 2020.

2. Public Relations Specialist

Job Details: Most public relations specialists prepare information for publication in the media. It is also likely that some will develop and maintain their organization’s corporate image and identity, according to the U.S. Department of Labor. Changes are taking place in the communications world, especially when it comes to the Internet and social media. New media – and the rapid spread of information on the Internet – will create more work for public relations workers. The Department of Labor projects the field to see a 23 percent growth, or 58,200 new jobs, from 2010 to 2020.

3.  Personal Financial Advisor

Job Details: If this career is for you, you’d likely spend most of your time meeting with clients in person to discuss their financial plans. According to the U.S. Department of Labor, you’d monitor your clients’ accounts, recommend investments, and help clients plan for specific circumstances. Just as the health care industry will benefit from baby boomer retirees, this industry will, too. Why? Because according to the Department of Labor, the aging population will likely seek financial planning advice as they reach retirement. As a result, the Department predicts a 32 percent job growth from 2010 to 2020. That’s equivalent to 66,400 jobs.

4.  Kindergarten/Elementary School Teacher

Job Details: Kindergarten and elementary school teachers typically plan lessons that teach particular skills like reading and math, prepare students for standardized tests, and enforce classroom rules to teach children proper behavior, the Department of Labor says.  Kindergarten and elementary school teachers will see a 17 percent increase in employment, or 281,500 jobs, from 2010 to 2020. This growth is due in large part to declines in student-teacher ratios and an increase in enrollment.

5. Paralegal

Job Details: Paralegals typically do a variety of tasks to help lawyers prepare for trial. This includes investigating cases, conducting research, and drafting correspondence, according to the U.S. Department of Labor.  As employers try to reduce costs and increase the efficiency of legal services, they are expected to hire more paralegals, the Department of Labor says. The Department predicts that paralegals will see an 18 percent job growth, or 46,900 jobs, adding that a paralegal’s work is less likely to be offshored, which is great news for people who are looking for potential stability.

6. Software Developer

Job Details: According to the U.S. Department of Labor, software developers generally recommend software upgrades for existing programs, ensure that software continues to function through testing and maintenance, and collaborate with other computer specialists.  Because mobile technology requires new applications, and the health care industry is increasing its use of computer systems, the Department of Labor projects software developers to see a 30 percent job growth between 2010 and 2020, which is equal to 270,900 jobs.

Who me?  Well, since none of the aforementioned careers fit me–a right-brain, flittery, colorful, misfit–I will most likely be painting canvases and writing non/fiction pieces while grunting at power career people as they pass me by in their business suits. 

1.  Computer Programmer

According to the U.S. Department of Labor, computer programmers might spend time alone writing in computer languages like C++ and Java in order to create software programs. They’re also the ones who test code and fix mistakes in the event of an error.

If you spent a lot of time alone as a child sitting in your room fiddling with stuff you found in the shed, you’re probably a programmer. You’re also the person the ENTIRE office will hunt down whenever their computer is acting up, even though you’re a coder.

2. Medical Records Technician

Instead of being hands-on with patients, these technicians are generally more hands-on with patients’ health information, making sure it’s accurate, up-to-date, and accessible in paper and electronic systems, according to the U.S. Department of Labor.

In other words, these are the people who snoop into medical files and knows how often their neighbors get STD’s.

3. Graphic Designer

By mixing art with technology, graphic designers can communicate ideas to consumers by developing the layout and design for brochures, websites, advertisements, or other marketing visuals, according to the U.S. Department of Labor.

The only thing is, YOUR vision and OTHERS’ visions often collide and you end up doing the same ole graphic over and over and over again until THEY’RE finally satisfied.

4.  Network Administrator

As a network administrator, you might be responsible for organizing, installing, and supporting a company’s computer systems, according to the U.S. Department of Labor. In order to keep the systems up-to-date, you could set up network hardware and software, gather information to measure the network’s performance, and make the necessary upgrades and repairs.

This is the guy who REALLY gets hammered in an office environment by coworkers who should be banned from using computers altogether. He gets asked stooopid questions like “Um, how do I turn on my computer?”

5.  Bookkeeper

Eager to put your math skills to the test in this solo-friendly career? Look into earning an associate’s degree in accounting or business. According to the Department of Labor, some employers prefer candidates with this credential. You might also need to learn how to use accounting software, spreadsheets, and databases.

Spreadsheets are itchy.

Me? I prefer to do something that delicately balances introvert/extrovert. Too many people and personalities and I’ll want out fast; too much time alone I get weirder than I already am. I need a dog. Today.

Working on that.

OOOOH, I got it!! Maybe I should find a job working with dogs! Yeah, that’s it. That’s it.

The average tip/gratuity now is a standard 15% of the total amount of food one is served with waiters earning around $2.15 per hour sans tips. Since tipping is primarily suggested, of course there are huge swings in the amount that is often given. Online one can find horror stories of poor tippers, rude customers, etc. Sure, there have been the unlikely fairytale stories of huge tips (even waiters being left in longtime customers’ Last Will & Testaments) that pop up out of the rubbage but most of the wowza tipping stories that make headlines are just plain dogged.

Like this one:

Mostly pennies left by a patron.

This kind of stuff happened to me all the time while in Baltimore waiting tables. You should’ve seen how wide my nostrils could flare.

Or this one:

Looks like a $10 tip, eh? Also looks as if they thoroughly enjoyed their meal. Is that a  mere trace of pasta I see left on the plate?

Well, that “$10″ turned out to be THIS:

It’s what waiters/waitresses call “Fake Jesus Money” or “religious tips.” These are typically left on tables particularly on Sundays across America.

Seriously, what would Jesus do? 

I mean, technically it’s a tip, sure, but who in the dickens goes to work to receive written tips?!

Oy. Customers can be quite testy. It’s why I tend to avoid retail/restaurant work altogether.

Some other “tips” waiters have received after working a table and providing excellent customer service:

Pennies in water

A Wendy’s fast food restaurant gift card (with enough on it for a Frostie drink)

A Wal-Mart store gift card

Drawings on napkins

NOTHING AT ALL.

Here’s one that will make a waitress contemplate a career change for sure:

In case you can’t read it, it states:

“P.S.:  You could stand to loose [sic] a few pounds.”

THE AUDACITY!

A side note:

Results of a poll shows it pays to be blonde if you’re a waitress in France. According to the findings, tips are 25% bigger for blondes, compared to those left for brunettes. The finding comes from The University of Southern Brittany. But that only holds true for men who tip – women diners showed no preference for blonde waitresses.

Now don’t get me wrong, I truly realize the table waiting profession can be and is quite lucrative and satisfying and all that. I get it. Oh, I get it. But it’s the uncertainty of each day or night’s tally, particularly in an average restaurant, that makes me return to CubicleVille instead.

Customers can be the worst. At least in CubicleVille I only have the usual suspects to deal with; once I master them and their idiosyncrasies I’m coasting. Sort of. With public service jobs any ole random goofball can enter your job stance and wreak havoc on not only your head but your fluctuating finances.

For surely the customer ain’t always right…in the head.

Once upon a time I worked in the fast food industry; haven’t we all? And no matter how bad it gets in Cubicle-Ville, regardless of the sheer groveling I’m experiencing to return to a desk job with benefits, I never want to return to the fast food industry for too many reasons to mention.  On that note, something interesting regarding the fast food industry I read a month ago from The Huffington Post:

They may feed millions of hungry consumers on a daily basis, but fast food workers say their job is hurting the world.

More than 40 percent of fast food workers say their jobs make the world a worse place, according to data analyzed by Payscale for The New York Times. Some of the other jobs where workers were likely to say their jobs are making the world a worse place? Bartenders, attorneys, fashion designers and investment bankers — though the share of workers in those industries expressing the same sentiment is only in the single digits.

Fast food employees may be concerned about the negative health impacts of their work, thanks to a wide variety of critics of the fast food industry that include nutrition experts and animal rights activists. The National Bureau of Economic Research found that being in close proximity to a fast food restaurant “significantly” increases the risk of obesity.

But some of the critics may be getting to the industry. McDonald’s officials said earlier this month that they’re going to require the eatery’s pork suppliers in the U.S. to phase out crates that tightly confine pregnant pigs, a move that the Humane Society claimed would have a “seismic impact” on the fast food sector, according to the Associated Press.

Still, the fast food industry may be doing its part to keep workers’ wages low. Bosses in the fast food industry are largely opposed to raising the minimum wage, according to Slate. That’s because they have to pay a large number of workers that wage, unlike full-service eateries that can pay their waitstaff less because they receive tips.

The industry is poised to shed jobs in the next 10 years. The Bureau of Labor Statistics expects there to be 19,000 fewer fast food cooks by 2020.

I’m in the job hunt of my life. I mean, gosh, when I was 12 I think I could get a job easier than today. NOW I’m equipped with a much hooted about college degree (I’ve had it probably 6.8 million years already), years and years of “experience” and even a two-page resume. But still, no takers.

I’m starting to think my resume has halitosis.

Whenever I interview I go in all gussied up (read: hair is tamed, nylons with zero runs, Cheshire the Cat smile even to the point of cheek muscle cramping, firm handshake, blazing eye contact that makes my eyes water…Yeah, yeah, all that). I always think when the interview went well that I’ve just landed the job, that it’s a matter of hours or mere days when I’ll receive the wondrous call that I can now pay my bills on time and fix my car and eat something other than bread with cheese and the occasional kidney bean.  But the call never comes. Days pass. Weeks. I check my phone to make sure the battery is charged. Silence from the powers that be.

Then I start taking it personally. I mean, is my forehead too large? I was teased relentlessly about it throughout high school and even college. Are my teeth not white enough? Dang those stupid Dr. Peppers. What gives? The WORLD told me to go to college. I did. They told me to wear these clothes to interviews. I did. They told me to present myself well. I did.

Recession? Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout Willis? I know there’s a recession but even during a recession at some point I should land a job–I mean, they called me in in the first place, right?

Then I start imagining who actually landed the gig and why they landed it over me. I mean, were her clothes sharper than mine? Did she type six more words per minute than I do? Was he charming in the interview–I need to learn charm stuff. I’m so not charming. Was it the new mountain of a zit that decided to rise up on my cheek the very day before the interview? If I had popped it it would’ve been uglier so I decided to just leave it as is.

Is it karma? I mean, my book and this blog mocks The Establishment to the hills (and will continue to do so) so could it be some sort of universe-is-mocking me vortex thing?

I’m considering just taking a waitress gig. But they want “experience.” Please tell me, what is “experience” when it comes to approaching a table of people, asking them what they would like to order from a menu they’ve already eyeballed and then taking their order and bringing their order to their table with a smile? Really, do I need experience to do that? I’ve carried food to many tables before. I’ve talked to strangers before.

And the job postings for waitress just makes me crazy…

Must have strong customer service skills! What determines “strong”? This very line bothers me to my innermost fibrous innards. As long as I’m performing the job at hand–ahem–isn’t that strong enough?

Here’s an actual server/waitress partial job description:

Position Summary:
The Server ensures all guests are provided with prompt and friendly service according to [the restaurant's] standards. The Server describes menu items, assists guests in making food and beverage selections, takes and rings in orders, delivers food and beverages, processes payments, and assists fellow team members to ensure overall guest satisfaction.

Sure, I can do all of this. No problem. So why do I need on-paper “experience”?

I’m so annoyed I think I may go eat a box of cookies. But I can’t afford it.

In fact, I can’t even talk/type about this any more. It’s become a full-time job groveling for a real job.