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Hiatus Part II

13 Nov

Hey there!

Working on a HUGE project involving paper cuts and monkeys. Kidding only on the latter part.

The project should be done by the week after Thanksgiving.

Then I’ll be back with more charm, more snarl, more exposure of CubicleVille and its trappings, both inner and peripherally.

Until then…

A partial re-post from last year @ Thanksgiving:

I thought I’d share with you some odd tidbits I discovered about turkeys…

  • Turkeys have heart attacks. When the Air Force was conducting test runs and breaking the sound barrier, fields of turkeys would drop dead.
  • Turkeys can drown if they look up when it is raining.
  • Turkeys spend the night in trees. They fly to their roosts around sunset.
  • Gobbling starts before sunrise and can continue through most of the morning.

I swear, I didn’t make this stuff up.

In the U.S. about 280 million turkeys are sold for the Thanksgiving celebrations.

Minnesota is the United States’ top turkey producing state, followed by North Carolina, Arkansas, Missouri, Indiana, and Virginia.

3,000 calories are consumed by the average person at Thanksgiving dinner.

50 million pumpkin pies are eaten at Thanksgiving.

72 million cans of Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce are purchased each year.

Happy Holiday!

“See” ya soon!

Happy Administrative Professionals Day!

25 Apr

Oh drat. We’re one of those. Somehow we ended up typing The Man’s documents, fiddling with his reports and squeezing “treats” from the vending machine in between in spite of our real dreams to become SuperWomen.

Yep, today my fellow office dwellers is Administrative Professionals Day.

Administrative Professionals’ Day (also known as Secretaries Day or Admin Day) is an unofficial secular holiday observed in several countries to recognize the work of secretaries, administrative assistants, receptionists, and other administrative support professionals. In North America, it is celebrated on the Wednesday of the last full week of April (April 25 in 2012). In much of Europe it is celebrated on the third Thursday in April.

Over the years, Administrative Professionals Week has become one of the largest workplace observances. The event is celebrated worldwide through community events, social gatherings, and individual corporate activities recognizing support staff with gifts. In the United States, the day is often celebrated by giving one’s assistant gifts such as flowers, candy, trinkets, lunch at a restaurant, or time off.

The International Association of Administrative Professionals suggests that employers support the holiday by providing training opportunities for their administrative staff through continuing education, self-study materials, or seminars. –from wikipedia.

Forget seminars and training and continuing education. Who gives a rat’s heiny?

YOU BETTER GET CHOCOLATE, LUNCH AT A  RESTAURANT WITH CLOTH NAPKINS OR TIME OFF.

OR ELSE SOMEBODY WITH AN OFFICE DOOR AND WINDOW, THEIR COFFEE SHOULD TASTE WEIRD TOMORROW.

Kidding. Sort of.

I’ll take this time to randomly mock us in pictures with captions.

“I’m smiling because my boss is paying me $5,000 less than what I should be making annually.”

“I’m smiling on the outside but inside I am weeping.”

“I love coming to work and facing a hot computer screen eight hours a day while wearing a tight blazer and an earpiece attached to my head. Nothing makes me more, um, satisfied.”

“Two more arms and I WILL be an octopus.”

“I’m Becky. I just crapped up stall #4. I had tacos and refried beans for lunch. Guess what? The ladies’ bathroom is clear out of toilet paper.”

“I wonder how many resumes I’ve sent out this month. I wonder if it’s possible to land a job where I don’t have to wear a noose around my neck.”

“I’m Ted. I pretend to be a real accountant. Truth is, I’ve screwed up numbers here for years while hoping no one catches on. It’s why I’m having chest pains.”

Happy Trails in CubicleVille. Here’s wishing you a relaxing day filled with free food from the conference room that no one has yet picked over. ;-)

Dear…Holiday Helen

3 Apr

Nearly every office in America has one.

That coworker who absolutely EATS holidays.

By “eats” I mean she (99% of the time it’s a female)worships every single holiday. I refer to this ubiquitous character as Holiday Helen. Feel free to insert your own Hilda, Marjorie, Blanche or Christina.

Holiday Helen watches her calendar with feverish salivation so that she can immerse herself into whatever holiday it is.

Even St. Patrick’s Day. She wears green from head to toe. Even her fingernails were painted green.

Oy.

Well, now it’s Easter week and she’s been boiling and dyeing eggs since March 15th.

She has plastic, chocolate, foamy, multicolored egg replicas on her desk. She has a huge easter basket strategically placed so that she can lure any coworker into a conversation about the current holiday. She knows holiday stats, too, and rambles them off to whomever gets stuck standing at her desk after having made the mistake of accepting a “free” chocolate egg from her.

She wears sweaters with easter bunny faces on them. She spilled glitter on your desk when she was explaining her most recent holiday craft project with her kids.

Now you have glitter on your eyelids that won’t wash away without puncturing your skin. Or visiting an optometrist.

She even makes bunny noises and knits sweaters for actual rabbits she has yet to meet.

Dear Holiday Helen:

STOP IT.

Oy. Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

I see those people in the stores rushing to buy last-minute doo-dads for their loved ones or hopeful loved ones for Valentine’s Day. Chocolates and cards with words that someone else wrote. I see them. I see the messy shelves strewn with red heart shaped boxes that mostly men will present to their muse. I see the long lines at the flower shops while rose stems are being snipped and placed in cute wrapping paper. I feel the buzz. As an easily annoyed person this red holiday doesn’t exactly bode well with my innermost fibers. But momentarily I’ll put aside my envy own grumblings and pretend it doesn’t bother me.

Some facts on this Hallmark holiday:

Nearly 140-150 million cards are exchanged each year. (Whoa, that’s a lotta trees!)

Mother’s Day & V-Day are the two most flower gifted holidays.

Men spend twice as much as women on V-Day.

Teachers receive the most valentines, followed by kids, mothers, wives and sweethearts.

The number of people who will insert V-Day inspired chocolate into their mouth within the next 48 hours: many.

Millions of pet owners purchase V-Day gifts for their household pets.

Speaking of pets, when I was a kid my family attended the funeral of another relative at Arlington National Cemetery. While we left the car door open for a little while–most likely waiting for others to return to the car–a beautiful Daschund ran over and jumped right into the backseat as if she had known us for years. Long story short, we couldn’t find an owner so we took her back home and kept her through two puppy litters and until she died. We named her Tammy and chose February 14 as her birthday. We even let her lick the inside of ice cream boxes (after we had scooped most of it out and eaten it ourselves) each year in honor of her special birthday. She would lick and lick and lick as the opened near empty ice cream carton moved across the floor and right into a corner of the kitchen.

Ah, now that’s a good V-Day connection slash memory.

New Year, Less Paperwork

1 Jan

So it’s 2012.

Dude, it’s 2012.

I mean, it’s no longer 1995. Or 2003. Or 19HatedThatEntireYear.

Well, Happy New Year.

That felt redundant. I mean, why don’t people come up with less ubiquitous greetings like SPLENDID 12 MONTHS TO YOU! or GET OUT THERE AND KICK BUTT THIS NEW YEAR!!

I’m so different.

So anyway, tomorrow is the Return to CubicleVille (unless you have a holiday tomorrow since today’s official holiday falls on Sunday.) But for those of you who have to return to your taupe colored fabric partition tomorrow just picture the next holiday you have this month–Martin Luther King Day. 

Hold on, another three-day weekend is upon us. In fact, it’s only two weeks from tomorrow (or today–Monday–or whenever, depending on when you’re reading this.)

I hope this year brings you vocational bliss. 

10 Christmas Season Suggestions

22 Dec

1.  Keep your glitter to yourself. When it gets stuck on the side of your face for two weeks in spite of showering, washing your face, at least it’s your own fault.

2.  Please, for the love of every man, woman and child, refrain from parking your gargantuan SUV slash Ford-50 series slash not-so-mini van too close to the vehicles beside you so that the occupants of such cannot even open their own dang door to get into their own dang car. Certainly this is not the Christmas spirit.

3.  When you’re walking through a crowded Macys department store, do not stop immediately and stare at a mannequin’s neck scarf. This will cause the 458 people walking behind you to crash into one another. Not pretty. Not pretty at all. This could cause department store rage.

4.  On the other hand, please do not walk too closely behind the person in front of you and “accidentally” step on the heels of their loafers. This is just rude. And quite painful.

5.  Please notice the ions of people around you who are standing in line waiting to pay for their Christmas crap, too. Rambling on about who you purchased each and every gift for while everyone else waits is just stank. And I can guarantee you that no one in the line BEHIND you cares about your revised fruit cake recipe, the very fact that you soak it in egg nog.

6.  It’s actually ok to NOT park extremely close to the front door of the mall. Idling and staring down every person who exits the mall to see if you can score a parking space mere feet closer to the entrance is just not, well, merry.

7.  When you buy your soft pretzels at the mall please refrain from stopping every few feet to dip them into the corn syrup sauce that came with aforementioned soft pretzel.

8.  When your kid is throwing the fit of his life in the food court, please remove him from the ear space of fellow diners who would like to enjoy their waffle fries without Damien in close proximity threatening to kick his parents in the shins for not buying him every item in the toy store.

9. Speaking of waffle fries, they are not a new creation. Please refrain from publicly wolfing them down with your mouth wide open exposing masticated french fries with ketchup to THE WORLD. 

10.  Please do not push your shopping basket into the buttocks of others. It’s rude. And it hurts.

Peculiar Christmas Portraits Anyone?

16 Dec

As you sit in your car this weekend feeling as if it’s rush hour because of all the Christmas slash holiday traffic on this last full Saturday before the big day, try not to blow a gasket.

I’m here for you.

And now for your viewing pleasure or displeasure: SCARY CHRISTMAS slash HOLIDAY PHOTOS!!!

I wonder where these people are now.  More importantly I wonder where those hideous sweater/vest combos ended up. Probably in a muggy thrift store in Muncie. Gravy stains, the whole nine.

I think this family (?) spends far too much time together. They seem like they would make extremely annoying neighbors. Ones you pretend you’re not home whenever their car arrives in the driveway. Lights off and hiding in the basement and shushing the dog from barking, the whole nine.

That’s it. I’m calling the POLICE for her right now. I want lights, sirens, whistles, the whole nine.

I am so afraid right now. So incredibly afraid. My hands are shaking. Elbows trembling, the whole nine. (I sure hope this dog is alright.)

Short Work Week

21 Nov

We should be oozing with excitement. After all, it’s a shortened work week with the holiday. One less day of your boss eyeing your job duties, one or two less days of hearing about your annoying coworker’s GYN appointment that she puts on speaker phone, one less day of imitating a mannequin in your swivel chair.  Aren’t you excited?! I could burst with relief. I LIVE for four-day weekends.

I thought I’d share with you some odd tidbits I discovered about turkeys…

  • Turkeys have heart attacks. When the Air Force was conducting test runs and breaking the sound barrier, fields of turkeys would drop dead.
  • Turkeys can drown if they look up when it is raining.
  • Turkeys spend the night in trees. They fly to their roosts around sunset.
  • Gobbling starts before sunrise and can continue through most of the morning.

I swear, I didn’t make this stuff up.

Oh heck, while I’m at it…

In the U.S. about 280 million turkeys are sold for the Thanksgiving celebrations.

Minnesota is the United States’ top turkey producing state, followed by North Carolina, Arkansas, Missouri, Indiana, and Virginia.

3,000 calories are consumed by the average person at Thanksgiving dinner.

50 million pumpkin pies are eaten at Thanksgiving.

72 million cans of Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce are purchased each year.

Ok, that’s enough. I’m about to head to The Vending Machine for a half bag of air. I just found three quarters in my desk drawer.

Back to The Establishment

6 Sep

So you’ve had a break from Hell Hole #18.

Sure, you frolicked over the long holiday weekend aboloshing thoughts of your cubicle walls the very moment they entered your mind. You ate potato salad. There were chips. Perhaps dip. You slept in late all three days. No alarm clock to arouse you into subservience for eight consecutive hours. Then Tuesday morning arrived.

Now you’re sitting in the joint hating life.

I get it.

I really, really do.

But I want to encourage you to avoid the evils of the vending machine.

The stuff in there is evil. Pure evil. Not watered down evil but solid evil.

Your colon will thank you later.

Carry on.

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